Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
