My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
