i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
