I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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