were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
