Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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