I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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