Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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