I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
