I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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