My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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