saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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