What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
