party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
