There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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