nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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