I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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