Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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