I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
