I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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