I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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