she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
