Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
