i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize