Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
