Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Randomize
