I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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