He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
