6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
