i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Ladies don't puke and tell
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize