I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize