My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
