Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
