the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He passed out mid-signature
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
