Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
