Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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