That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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