If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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