Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize