Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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