im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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