Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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