Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
