So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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