I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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