This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
