Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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