She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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