Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
