Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
