I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
