I'm going to rape someone's good day.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
