you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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