FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
