She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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