On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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