Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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