1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
