So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
