I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize