So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You dont lie about slip and slides
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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