tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
